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Feb. 19th, 2018 08:56 pmI don't know if people are still around reading this, but it was about time for an update anyhow.
4 months later and I feel like I finally am crawling out of that hole. I still have bad days and bad moments, but the general baseline of my emotions are more in the upper level, as opposed to how it's been since... somewhere in 2016.
I feel like when my dad died, I just kept doing what I was doing; taking care of my family and working and trying to power through it. I knew I was doing it wrong at the time I was doing it, but kept thinking, it would be different for me? I wouldn't have a collapse and end up depressed because I didn't allow myself to work through my grief. I was just going to power through life.
That didn't work out. As somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't.
Therapy gradually stopped being so draining as we worked through the biggest issues. Now my head is still full when I leave, but there is a relief there too. I went last week after a two months break and discovered maybe once every three weeks would be beneficial for now. I think maybe I could do it on my own, but I'm discovering that for now, I don't want to. I want someone to see my progress and guide me along, rather than recover part of the way, forget about the insecurities for a bit, and then go through the whole process again at a later time.
I'm slowly but surely gathering my strength. I have the energy to do house work, but today I was like, you know what? I'm just going to read this book now and not worry about it. Not doing the work because I don't feel like it, feels a lot better than not doing it because all I can do is nap on the couch and stare into the distance. Progress, however small.
Work has become my place to be myself more. I like being there, and I like my team (except one, but at least everyone else has issues with her so it's a burden shared), I feel mostly positive and like I'm growing. The only thing I haven't done is come out as bi. It's tricky because my mum still works with the same brand, and I don't want to risk her hearing about this through someone else. But I also don't necessarily want to come out to her? I just don't see the point in bringing it up while it's only such a small part of who I am and I don't have a girlfriend.
Related to that, I've been having thoughts and feelings for one of my higher ups and it is really inconvenient. Like. Inconvenient as fuck. I really can't get her out of my head, and the weird thing is that she's not a good match for me. We have very different ideas of what we want out of life, and she has a LOT more energy than I have. So maybe I'm not having feelings of the mushy type, but more of admiration? IT'S JUST REALLY ANNOYING. I really like her and we've been going out (as a group) for a couple of times and it's just nice hanging out with her and .... I like making her smile and hearing her laugh at my jokes and idk why but i want to impress her and omg help.
It will pass. I think it's just a side effect of my heightened awareness of myself and my feelings and how the world as a whole affects me. In a way I can see it as reassurance I am not dead inside.
Not that I was ever completely dead inside. But you know how sometimes you go a long time between crushes and you think maybe you're just not every going to feel that anymore?
Now if I could fall for someone not unavailable or not unreachable, that'd be great. If I could somehow develop some sort of flirting skills along the way that would also be nice.
So yeah. All in all I feel lighter and at the beginning of a new part of life. Working through the struggle and taking steps one at a time.
4 months later and I feel like I finally am crawling out of that hole. I still have bad days and bad moments, but the general baseline of my emotions are more in the upper level, as opposed to how it's been since... somewhere in 2016.
I feel like when my dad died, I just kept doing what I was doing; taking care of my family and working and trying to power through it. I knew I was doing it wrong at the time I was doing it, but kept thinking, it would be different for me? I wouldn't have a collapse and end up depressed because I didn't allow myself to work through my grief. I was just going to power through life.
That didn't work out. As somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't.
Therapy gradually stopped being so draining as we worked through the biggest issues. Now my head is still full when I leave, but there is a relief there too. I went last week after a two months break and discovered maybe once every three weeks would be beneficial for now. I think maybe I could do it on my own, but I'm discovering that for now, I don't want to. I want someone to see my progress and guide me along, rather than recover part of the way, forget about the insecurities for a bit, and then go through the whole process again at a later time.
I'm slowly but surely gathering my strength. I have the energy to do house work, but today I was like, you know what? I'm just going to read this book now and not worry about it. Not doing the work because I don't feel like it, feels a lot better than not doing it because all I can do is nap on the couch and stare into the distance. Progress, however small.
Work has become my place to be myself more. I like being there, and I like my team (except one, but at least everyone else has issues with her so it's a burden shared), I feel mostly positive and like I'm growing. The only thing I haven't done is come out as bi. It's tricky because my mum still works with the same brand, and I don't want to risk her hearing about this through someone else. But I also don't necessarily want to come out to her? I just don't see the point in bringing it up while it's only such a small part of who I am and I don't have a girlfriend.
Related to that, I've been having thoughts and feelings for one of my higher ups and it is really inconvenient. Like. Inconvenient as fuck. I really can't get her out of my head, and the weird thing is that she's not a good match for me. We have very different ideas of what we want out of life, and she has a LOT more energy than I have. So maybe I'm not having feelings of the mushy type, but more of admiration? IT'S JUST REALLY ANNOYING. I really like her and we've been going out (as a group) for a couple of times and it's just nice hanging out with her and .... I like making her smile and hearing her laugh at my jokes and idk why but i want to impress her and omg help.
It will pass. I think it's just a side effect of my heightened awareness of myself and my feelings and how the world as a whole affects me. In a way I can see it as reassurance I am not dead inside.
Not that I was ever completely dead inside. But you know how sometimes you go a long time between crushes and you think maybe you're just not every going to feel that anymore?
Now if I could fall for someone not unavailable or not unreachable, that'd be great. If I could somehow develop some sort of flirting skills along the way that would also be nice.
So yeah. All in all I feel lighter and at the beginning of a new part of life. Working through the struggle and taking steps one at a time.
